A small girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mommy,” she said, “Can we leave now?” “No,” the mother said. “Well, I think I have to be sick.” “Then go out to the front door, around to the back of the church, and be sick behind a bush.” In about two minutes, the little girl returned to her seat. “Were you sick then?” her mother asked. “Yes,” the little girl replied. “Well, how could you have gone all the way around to the back of the church and come back so quickly?” […]
Alright. We’re done? (Some jokes.) We can meditate. [You] chose some jokes? Good ones? OK, have a look. Thank you. I’m just reading in case it’s… Anyway, I’m just reading it, otherwise if you wait for me, it’s too long. We read, and if it’s not funny, then we don’t laugh. Very simple. But the first one is very funny. It says, “Service for the Dog.”
There is a farmer who lives alone in the Irish countryside, and he has nobody except for his pet(-person). And his pet is a dog(-person). And he had him for a long time, a pet dog(-person). But then one day, the dog(-person) died. And then the farmer who had the dog(-person) went to the church, his own church, and said to the parish priest, “Oh Father, my dog(-person) has died, could you please say a mass for the poor creature?” So, the Father told the farmer, “No, no, we can’t have a service for animal(-people) in the church. But you know what, there is a denomination down the road, they just believe in all kinds of things anyway, so if you go there, they would probably do something for the animal(-person). Anyway, don’t worry, just go there.” So the farmer said to the priest, “Yes, I will go right away, Father. But by the way, do you think £50,000 is enough to donate for that service?” So, the Father said to him, “Why didn’t you tell me that the dog(-person) was a Catholic?” You know the joke, right? Some of you know the joke.
There was a monastery in Europe which was perched high on a cliff, several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach this monastery was to be suspended in a basket and then the monk on the top of the mountain would pull you up in the basket with a rope. It was terrifying sitting in a basket and being pulled from up there with manpower. And one visitor was very scared, because he looked at the rope – it was very old, and it was kind of worn out – so he was very nervous. Halfway up already he asked the monk who was sitting next to him in the same basket, “Can you tell me how often do they change this rope?” So, the monk thought for a while and said, “Oh, whenever it’s broken.”
There’s a very long one here. A man was lost and had been walking in the desert for about two weeks. Finally, one hot day, he saw the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawled up to the house and collapsed on the doorstep. The missionary found him and nursed him back to health. Feeling better, the man asked the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the back door, he saw the missionary’s horse(-person). He went back into the house and asked the missionary, “Could I borrow your horse(-person) and give it back when I reach the town?” The missionary said, “Sure! But there is a special thing about this horse(-person). You have to say, ‘Thank God’ to make him go and ‘Amen’ to make him stop.” Well, we all know it already.
Not paying much attention, the man said, “OK, OK, whatever.” So, he got on the horse(-person) and said, “Thank God,” and the horse(-person) started walking. Then he said, “Thank God. Thank God. Thank God.” And the horse(-person) started galloping and trotting. Feeling really brave, the man kept saying, “Thank God. Thank God. Thank God. Thank God. Thank God. Thank God.” And the horse(-person) was almost flying like a rocket. Pretty soon, he saw this cliff coming up, and he was doing everything he could to make the horse(-person) stop. But he forgot to say, “Amen.” He said, “Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.” And then finally, he remembered, “Amen.” And then, at that time, the horse(-person) was almost at the cliff edge already. Ahh… And then he said, “Thank God.”
An old preacher was dying… He sent a message to his bank manager. If you’re cold, you say, and you close the window then. You cold yet? OK. He sent a message to his bank manager and his lawyer, both Church members, to come to his home. And when they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling for a long time. No one said anything.
Both the bank manager and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were so puzzled, also. The preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior – you know, lawyers and bankers – that made them squirm in their seats. You know, talking about the bank manager and the lawyer. Finally, the bank manager said, “Preacher, why did you ask us to come?” The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, “(Lord) Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go too.” They’re all very religious jokes. (Yes.)
This one: “Try to help the people.” A big, burly man visited the pastor’s home and asked to see the minister’s wife – a woman well known for her charitable imposes. “Madam,” he said in a broken voice, “I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned onto the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent which amounts to $400.” “How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher’s wife. “May I ask who you are?” The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes, crying, and said, “I am the landlord.” Oh, God. How compassionate.
This is a joke about a blind man. A lady was taking a shower one day, and she heard the doorbell ring, so she yelled out, “Who is it?” And the person ringing the doorbell said, “I am the blind man.” So, the lady got out of the shower and wrapped her hair in a towel, and she didn’t bother putting anything on because the person was blind anyway. So, she opened the door and said, “What do you want?” And the man said, “I am here to check your blinds.” The window blinds.
“What is it like?” A man once asked God, “What is a million years to…” Oh, this we all know already. No? I told this joke already. It’s – “Wait a second.” (Yes. Yes.) “What’s a million years to you?” “Wait a second.” Probably, they didn’t print all my jokes out yet. So, you don’t know. These are double. OK. Never mind. I have a son in Taiwan (Formosa) who specializes in telling these kinds of jokes whenever he sees me. One of your brothers, whenever he sees me, he collects all these kinds of jokes and tells me. It was very funny.
There’s another one here. “A small girl.” Actually, I’m saying to you he’s my son, but he’s not really. He has a son of his own. He’s very big. How old is he? He must be as old as I am, I think, but he looks so young, so I call him “my son.” A small girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mommy,” she said, “Can we leave now?” “No,” the mother said. “Well, I think I have to be sick.” “Then go out to the front door, around to the back of the church, and be sick behind a bush.” In about two minutes, the little girl returned to her seat. “Were you sick then?” her mother asked. “Yes,” the little girl replied. “Well, how could you have gone all the way around to the back of the church and come back so quickly?” “I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy,” the little girl replied. “They had a box right next to the front door that was written on the outside: ‘For the sick.’”
One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So, looking up to the Heavens, he said, “Excuse me, God, can I ask You a few questions?” God replied, “Go on, Adam, but be quick. I have a world to create.” So, Adam said, “When You created Eve, why did You make her body so nice and beautiful, and not like mine?” “I did that so that you could love her.” You already know the story, right? It’s different but similar. “Oh, well then, why did You give her long, beautiful hair and not me?” “I did that so that you could love her.” “Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?” “No, Adam. I did that so that she could love you.”
Photo Caption: Recognizing the Real From the Fake Is the Key for Freedom.
